raeraem

Reddit Secret Santa!

2009-12-02T08:28:40Z

So I made this hat in about five hours (the first two were spent working while watching BSG XD) and it is the gift for my Reddit Secret Santa Giftee. I'm very happy with how it turned out, and one of my favorite features is that the danglybob (that is what I named the antenna) can rotate, so the redorange envelope can face either the front or the back, because the danglybob always points to the left shoulder :)

NaNoWriMo Encouragement!

2009-11-19T05:13:25Z

AC Paradise

2009-08-03T07:43:06Z

So, I finally got off my lazy ass and updated my AC Paradise account :3 It is pretty and simple and I have no clue what to put for the introduction.

I'm kind of putting together a Cosplay To-Do list... it is huge and ambitious and I need a f*ing job before I even attempt to start any of them (and for one, I need to lose weight ^^; ). The one thing I'm missing that I would love to have is someone/thing with great feathered wings :) that would make me happy.

Can't really think of anything else to say, except that tomorrow I will be doing research into portfolios, and figure out what I need to make/do to make my interesting/competitive/competent. Oh, and I'll be applying to other real jobs too >.>

Comic con!

2009-07-29T05:11:02Z

Mah flag turned out epic :3 and it made me happy. More on that later if anyone is interested ^^;

Anywho, my day started out super early and went super late. I only had the one day (Sat) at Comic Con, so I had to make the most of it ^__^

Set alarm for 5:30, woke up at 3:30 and then 5:15. Left the condo at 6 to get cash and food, and was on the road by 6:25. Got slightly lost on the way to itsmisstea 's house, but finally made it and picked her up. We actually got a bit more significantly lost on the way to Comic Con ^^; I had looked at a map, and saw that the 5 pretty much ended in downtown San Diego, so I figured we'd follow it until we ran into the exits I recognized. Turns out the 5 magically turns into the 805 with no warning, and we almost made it to the Mexican Border O_o. Fortunately, Misty remembered the right freeway to take (because she was smart and picked up her badge the day before) and we made it to Downtown just fine. Parking was 'meh.' A bit more than I like to pay, but the place I was used to parking was full. Fortunately, there was a shuttle that stopped a block away, so getting to and from wasn't an issue.

Finally, at about 10:30, I had my badge and we were in! Stupid me left my cell phone in the car, so Misty and I parted ways so I could recover my missing piece of electronics. Then, until about 2 I wandered about Dealer Hall. It was so much fun, and a bit stressful ^^; I wanted to see so much, and I had to find a couple artists. Finally got to meet missmonstermel , and joked around with the creator of Questionable Content.

From about 2:30 to 4, there was Masq rehearsal and chilling out (while waiting for peoples and whatnot). Then, back to the dealer hall! Got to say hi to Johanne Matte and pick up her wonderful Water Tribe comics (and surprise pins :O ). Did a bunch of random stuff, and then I had to go back to the car and drop off my flag (pictured behind the cut) and pick up my stage ninja clothes, and then make it back to the masq. green room, on the way talking to a good friend of mine from college, Keaton. It was an awesome 15 minutes XD

The flag was a good icebreaker. I talked to a lot of people I didn't know, and we all reminisced about the show that was cancelled and yet fantastic. I'm fairly certain I whacked people in the face with the tip of the flag, because it was fricken' huge XD 3 x 5!

Finally got locked into the green room at 7:15, and changed into dark jeans and a long sleeve turtle neck. Masq didn't get started until a bit past 9 O_o I think they started late because they had to show the commercials/previews, even though everyone else was ready. We were number 6, and part of me is really glad we got it done early. I think I stepped on stage a bit too soon in the rant, but whatever ^^; everything else went fine, and now I know better when it comes to timing on the stage. Everything is better backstage. You get to see the costumes up close, talk to the people who made them. It was just such a wonderful experience, and I get to say I survived Comic Con Masquerade (SHHH I know it was as a ninja, but still >:3 ).

We finally escaped the green room at 12:30, and this is where my Comic Con experience got kinda dangerous. Stupid me decided that I would drive home that night. I didn't really get on the road until 1:30 or so (due to needing gas and getting to the car and whatnot). Fortunately I never got lost, unfortunately the long day was really catching up to me. At 2:20, I saw a rest stop and I decided that it was time for a nap. I curled up in the backseat wrapped in my dress that I wore that day, and slept until 3. My desire to get home and sleep for real propelled me onward. I listened to cranked-up (terrible) music, turned the AC up to freezing, and made it safely back to the condo at 4:30. I consider myself lucky O_o I never drifted to sleep or nodded off (I definitely would've stopped and slept if that happened) but nothing could seem to focus and I found myself squinting a lot. The best technique I found for clearing my vision and head was to bite as hard as I could on my hand. Adrenaline does amazing things.

Slept until 11:30 the next day, and then slept another two hours before dinner ^^;

Yay Comic Con! Now I just need a fucking job so I can afford to go next year, and make costumes!

:3

2009-07-22T06:20:43Z

DURHUR I<3 BSG SOUNDTRACK. I'M FANGIRLING LIKE WOAH AT SOME OF THESE SONGS.
-listening to leaked Season 4 music-

I'm totally making the flag of Gilboa (from Kings) to wave around at Comic Con. Tomorrow, I buy stuff and paint! Super easy and everything :3

Oh, and applying for jobs sucks. Especially government jobs >_>

EDIT: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF THE COMPOSER WILL BE AT COMIC CON ON THURSDAY, AND I HAS SATURDAY ONLY. Boo.

Run for the Day: 3 miles, 37:20 minutes

2009-06-23T04:00:34Z

Three laps 'round the neighborhood. Woot!

Oh so slowly chipping the weight off, but it is going down :)

My run tonight was actually quite pleasant. My feet didn't start to go numbish until the beginning of mile 3, and my first mile was pretty strong. I was worried running would suck today due to not working out for two days, but the time off actually gave a particular sore muscle time to heal. Yay!

My decision!

2009-06-22T18:09:59Z

So, after a bit of thinking and staring and sketching, I've decided to do...

Pidgey!

I like that I can make a bunch of bits I haven't made before (hat, cute bag, pleated skirt, wings) and I think I'd like to wear something slightly feminine for once ^^; I know the brown top looks like a shapeless bag, but I'm planning on making it a bit more form-fitting.

Yay for costume plan!

Now, to apply for jobs and plan my train trip :D

Gijinka Options

2009-06-22T07:21:36Z

I honestly just want something simple to wear during the first/last day of AX, and so, I have no idea which Pokemon Gijinka design I want to do. Don't want to do a wig, so all of these have one thing in common XD

Pinsir

Eevee

Pidgey

Sandshrew

Turtwig

Any thoughts?

The only costume I know I'm bringing to AX is Akatsuki Tobi (now with glowing eyeball action!). With only two weeks until the con, I'd like to make at least one interesting/new costume. It doesn't have to be fanciful or anything ^^;

That is all.

Oh shi...

2009-06-19T21:13:40Z

I feel like such a dork right now XD I am quite verbal on my opinions on the lead character of Kingdom Hearts (biggest Stu to ever Stu the world of Disney) but I am back from the mall with a copy of the damn game. I have a few legitimate reasons though.

1) CHEAP -> $10
2) I actually kind of like the way the combat engine works.
3) I'm tired of hearing about it and not actually have played it. And, I'll get to play it without anyone over my shoulder. Every other time I've tried to play I've been at a friend's house or with my brother over my shoulder telling me what to do.
4) Did I mention it was cheap? XD

Now I just have to wait for the house cleaners to finish up so I can leave my fortress of solitude (mah room) and go to the living room.

In other news, still no news from Millennium Space. They told me I would be contacted within a week of finished the interviews, and two weeks later as of yesterday, still no update. I sent an e-mail to the guy who asked me to apply and asked him what status my application was at. Nothing from him yet ^^;

-looks out window- YAY! Time to dork out over a new video game :3

Oh, and before I forget...

2009-06-17T22:42:26Z

itsmisstea was kind enough to put up some helpful links regarding the protests in Iran. I'm not sure what more I can do other than show solidarity for the people who truly believe in their democracy, and to help spread the word.

http://one-hoopy-frood.livejournal.com/10812.html

http://one-hoopy-frood.livejournal.com/10678.html

Relevant new icon is relevant :)

Costume Pondering

2009-06-17T22:22:57Z

So, I bought my 4-day pass to AX, and I'm going to stay at my parent's condo in Santa Monica instead of a hotel. I'm currently costume pondering, and considering I have under three weeks to finish a costume, it can't be something too complicated. I need to zip through my anime/manga collection up stairs and see if anything influences me, because right now the only thing I can think of doing is Maria Ross from FMA, primarily because we have the same damn haircut, and it would require minimum styling. I don't really want to make the military uniform though :/ not interesting enough or something XD

I should probably also look through the video game collection we have, maybe something will pop up there ^^;

PAIN

2009-06-15T04:58:43Z

25 mile bikeride (on a tandem bike with my dad) from Santa Monica to Dockweiler hang gliding, in addition to at least three miles of walking.

OW.

I just had a punch and rum and I'm feeling warm and fuzzy.

My July plans are kinda epic, and slowly falling into place. Anime Expo, then train up to, and then across Canada, then back through the US back to LA, then Saturday of Comic Con. Fuck yeah.

That is all.

Run for the Day: ~3.6 miles, 42 minutes

2009-06-05T18:48:50Z

So, my exercise schedule is pretty spiffy. Parents bought a rowing machine, so I've been alternating rowing for 20 minutes and running outside.

I have a couple of outside running location/possibilities. The loop around my neighborhood is almost exactly one mile, and the big loop trail around Marie Kerr Park is about 1.2 miles (there is a smaller loop at .8 mile).

Today I did the Marie Kerr big loop 3 times, no stopping, no walking. That's almost four miles :D The good weather definitely helps.

In other news, I finished interviewing with Millenium Space (small satellite company) yesterday, and the CEO said they'd contact me within a week or so. It is a really tiny company (only about 32 employees) so it would be a challenging work environment, but a really exciting work opportunity. My dad also met with someone who works in special effects about a month ago, and I finally got around to e-mailing her and sending my resume.

Grarar... I really need to keep looking for other jobs, but I'm going to lie around for a while longer today XD

In other other news, I have a tentative plan to take a train up to Canada, go across Canada, and then down through the USA. It would be about a solid week on trains if I don't stop for more than a night at any location, but I want to stop in NY and visit with my bro and grandparents, and maybe spend a little time at either end of Canada (there doesn't appear to be much in the middle ^^; ).

I want to go to AX and the Saturday of Comic Con. See friends, wear costumes, socialize.

I miss my bro too... he's in NY about to start an internship at a programming company. He seems really happy there so far :)

Up and Star Trek are amazing. It's nice to see movies in theaters again :3 yay for spare time!

Placeholder

2009-05-28T06:54:03Z

I want to do an entry about how the past week has gone, but so much happened and it feels so daunting, so I'll leave this placeholder here. Maybe I'll edit this one, maybe I'll post stuff in a new one, we'll see.

Anywho, in short, I'm back in the AV (like, all my stuff and furniture and everything, I'm moved out of Berkeley) for an unknown period of time, most likely less than two months, but I'll have to see how job stuff goes in the next few weeks.

-sigh-

2009-05-08T17:08:57Z

This morning sucks.

-A bunch of people got their personal info stolen form the University Health Services database. My info is probably among that.
-I got the grades back for my final report, and I apparently didn't do to well :( but the feedback isn't up, so I don't know why. Damn peer grading.
-I haven't gotten a call from the photo place yet. I picked up my announcement pictures yesterday (they came in a day after they were supposed to get in) and stupid me didn't check them in the store, so I get home and I'm missing 30 of the 32 wallets I ordered and paid for. I'm supposed to get a call this morning telling me where they are/how things got messed up, but nothing yet.
-Needs to work on my ME163 project, group partner isn't here yet, so I'm not sure if the results I currently have are any good.

~sigh~ I guess I can work on the writeup, if nothing else. There is enough exposition stuff that I can be somewhat useful.

I know I always said I didn't care what grade I got in ME107B (the class that has the bad grades for final report) but I guess it turns out I care more than I thought. I actually felt I did okay (not spectacular, mind you) on that report, but I guess others disagree.

Run for the Day: 3 mi, 34 minutes

2009-05-04T02:29:12Z

Woke up to the rain early this morning, fell back asleep. It was nice :) Got up with my (late) alarm and had an amazing breakfast of eggs wrapped around a bit of cheese on toast with OJ :3 om nom.

Anywho, I woke up with my right ankle/foot being really bitchy. Still wanting to get exercise, but not wanting to injure it too far from home or a bus stop, I decided to go to the gym today. It was blissfully not crowded, and I got to stay on the treadmill longer than the alloted time - 38 minutes instead of 30 :D

2 minute warmup (4 mph)
12 minute mile (5 mph)
5 minute half-mile (6 mph)
12 minute mile (5 mph)
5 minute half-mile (6 mph)
2 minute cool down (4 mph)

^___^ three miles without stopping or walking! Woohoo! My initial plan was to stay at 5 mph for as long as possible, to see how far I could go while jogging, but I realized I would get super bored with that, so I varied it up with the two faster sections. Ankle still being bitchy, but I have a wrap on it to keep it warm. My left knee freaked me out during the last two minutes of the second 6 mph section. It kinda had a pain spasm (like getting pinched in the middle of the knee) but it only happened twice within a couple steps, and it felt fine afterward. Still feels fine.

I ate WAY too much food last night (pad thai, curry, cake :3, soda >.<), so I guess today I treated it a bit like carbo-loading for my slightly more aggressive workout today ^^; An interesting thing I noticed is, when I go off my diet, it is when eating with friends, not because I have a craving to eat out. More of a social eater than a craving eater... I do however, have problems with snacking on my own at my apartment... I guess I get bored or something... I guess the trick is to keep the snacks healthy and infrequent ^^;

Random thought/question: usually when i get the sub of the day, it is $2.99 exactly as advertised. Today I had to pay tax, so it was $3.28. I'm glad I had more than $3 on me, and when I asked the guy at the register about how I don't usually pay tax, I think he said something about the chicken... today was the chicken breast sandwich, and the daily 6" is usually cold cuts... hmmm...

Rainy Day Workout

2009-05-02T23:32:05Z

Muahaha! Watching Biggest Loser did teach me something! 'tis been raining, so running would be uncomfortable, and I'm not a fan of the gym.

One of the trainers, Jillian, had one of those trainer tip things. She had no name for it, so I came up with one on my own: 52 Card WTF. The basic idea is to go through a deck of cards and do the exercise dictated by the card. So far:
Spades - crunches
Clubs - reverse crunches
Diamonds - pushups
Hearts - lunges
Whatever the number is on the card is the number of reps you do. Aces are a one minute break, and face cards equal 10 reps.

Ow.

Did this yesterday and today, and had to change some things up due to me working on getting back into some sort of physical shape. The crunches and reverse crunches were not much of a problem, so I could do those successfully. Yesterday I could do the lunges and pushups until the end also, but I had to do the 'girl' pushups where you're on your knees instead of toes.

Today was another matter. Sore from yesterday, I could still do the crunches and rev. crunches, but the pushups and lunges got considerably more difficult. In consideration of my knees and archery training, I mixed it up a bit.

For diamonds, I would use my theraband (big workout rubber band thing) and hold my archery form for 10 seconds at a time, times the number of reps on the card, then switch arms (even though I'm a right-handed shooter). For the lower values of diamonds, I would still do pushups, but they were difficult >_<

For the hearts, I used my theraband again and did some stretches with my legs that I've learned to help deal with weak knees (women tend to have knee problems) so I did strengthening exercises.

Anywho, I'm off to the Archery Banquet here pretty soon. It should be fun ^___^ I've avoided too high of a calorie intake today so I can enjoy the food.

:D ttyl peoples

HAHA WAT

2009-04-27T08:03:33Z

Dude... talk about flash from the past XD I did a search on Zoids cosplay, and I found THIS

I don't quite know what to say... well, I remember taking the picture XD

O_o

2009-04-15T07:58:49Z

My dedication to this diet has drastically gone up.

Super Size Me is available on Hulu, and I decided to try and give it a watch.

HERP.

I only got about half way through :| I pretty much know what happens, and I want to go to sleep... but holy cow... words cannot describe how I feel about the whole situation...

Anyway, my one beef with it is that he has PCOS* in a huge scary list of obesity-caused diseases. No one really knows where PCOS comes from, but right now it is seen as more genetic and a hormonal imbalance than anything else. There is correlation to being overweight and PCOS, but so far it looks like the extra weight is due to PCOS, not the other way around.

*PCOS = Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and yes, I have it.

Thank you mom and dad for teaching me to eat right and do some damn exercise, and I'm sorry it has taken me this long to get off my butt and really do something about it.

Meh

2009-04-14T07:56:19Z

I had a bit of a 'bleh' day today that got better towards the end. I was just so emotionally wracked at one point, I feel like I should post something about it. I guess it wasn't too much more than a short breakdown. Sometimes, you need to breakdown to rebuild :) Eating dinner with a friend (at a restaurant while I'm dieting, gasp!) really really helped. I'm tired now from the emotional drainage, but I'm hoping to wake up tomorrow filled with energy that I can turn into productivity on a few things that really need to get done.

Okay, no more ramblings. Bedtime :)

PS Bi Bim Bap = LOVE. It is veggies, an egg, and chicken on rice! I only had a few bites of the rice and brought the rest home. The veggies and protein got very much eaten though :3

Attack of the Russian Spambots!

2009-04-10T06:43:41Z

If you get friended by someone you don't know, and you go to their LiveJournal to see text about a girl named Masha mixed in with posts of advertising banners, they are most likely a Russian Spambot! I googled one of the phrases and found somebody else's LJ who was also dealing with this XD I'm going to paste all the text here, so if somebody else googles a phrase, they are more likely to find this information!

"When all hope is drained, we lose the whole purpose and meaning of life. That’s what happened with Masha. Peter undervalued her efforts and for Masha things came to an end. She was devastated. She woke up one morning and tried to eat her usual breakfast but she couldn’t do it, unable to stand the sight of food. She entered a terrible period in her life, a time when you realize there is nothing you can do, there is nothing to wait for, and the person who means a lot to you will no longer be by your side.

It seems as if there is no way to escape the present situation that unfolds itself. In these hard times a person feels lost and hopeless, losing interest in everything. Even the most beautiful girls stop looking after their appearance during this time. They just don’t care how they look. None of it matters to them anymore. Masha found herself going through this. She didn’t want to eat, or drink. Changes in her appearance no longer brought her happiness. They didn’t benefit her in any way.

That morning it seemed as though the earth beneath me was no longer there. I didn’t desire anything. All I wanted was to remain in bed, alone to the company of my own worries and tears. I called into work and tried once more to take the day off, but heard my manager’s sharp voice ordering me to come to work at once. I had no choice, so off to work I went. For the first time in my life I had no interest in how I looked or what I wore. Upon entering the office I was met with sympathetic looks from my coworkers, and a stern look from my boss.

There was nothing I could do, so I started working. For some reason I couldn’t concentrate on the tasks at hand. No thoughts roamed inside my head but those of Peter. I sat there until lunch time trying to finish one draft, when unexpectedly I was informed that the boss was waiting for me in his office. When I entered the room I had to listen to him lecture about how I started skipping work on a frequent basis, how I was being very unproductive, how my thoughts were elsewhere, and how if my behavior didn’t change it would all end with me being fired.

Despite the stern statements and the threats of being let go, I spent the rest of the day doing nothing but being lost in my own thoughts. It was getting gloomy outside and with every passing minute I was feeling worse and worse. Finally the torturous work day came to an end and it was time to head home.

As soon as I left work, it started pouring outside. To make things even worse I had no umbrella on me. The only thing left to do was run for the subway. It was getting late out, and the weather was anything but pleasant, so hardly anyone was out and about. On my way to the subway I noticed a 35-year-old guy, and instantly an unsettling thought that he is going to approach me crept into my mind. That is exactly what happened. When he neared me, I noticed his lustful stare hungrily devouring every inch of my body. Not paying any attention to the disgust that painted my face this weirdo started talking to me. My deafening silence didn’t stir him one bit or scare him away, and he started making obscene offerings.

At that moment I had the strong desire to shove the heel of my shoe into his manly treasure, but I held back my emotions and fled the subway to the outside world. The rain continued to pour and intensify with each passing minute but I didn’t care anymore. I ran without looking back trying to leave my problems behind me. In the process I suddenly stumbled and twisted my foot. Feeling as if I was losing my balance, I fell with a thud into the biggest puddle around. Getting up, I realized with horror, that I broke the heel of my shoe. Tears started to trickle down my face, and there was only one thought in my head right then: “Why does all the trouble, all the bad luck fall upon me so soon? What have I done in this life that was so bad to deserve this? I just don’t understand…”

Somehow I managed to get myself home, and when I did, I fell on top of my bed in exhaustion. I didn’t even bother to lock the door behind me. I just didn’t care about it then. This was the last thing on my mind…

Masha lay on her bed and thought about all that had occurred earlier. She understood that she needed to talk to someone right away, someone with whom she could share what she’s been through, otherwise she would end up losing her mind. Andrew and her friend Lena were the only people whom she trusted now with everything on her mind, with all that bothered or worried her. In the past though, the closest person to her was Peter. It was only with him that she shared her most inner secrets, things that no one else would know.

Reluctantly rising from her bed, Masha found the telephone and dialed the number, but it was all in vain. Unable to get through on the first try, she attempted to dial the number a few more times, but in the end realized that her calling card had run out of money. This was another thing to add to her list unfortunate events. Masha had no way to make the phone call. She was completely beaten down, devoid of any strength to battle with all the unfairness. There was no way to resolve this mess. There was nothing she could do. The solution had come on its own.

After all that happened to me I decided to end it because I couldn’t stand my life anymore, a life that had become meaningless. Now my goal was to find a way to do it. There were many ways to go about it, but I wanted to find one that didn’t involve any kind of suffering. I had been through a lot as it was in the last few months, and didn’t want any more suffering to fall upon me.

My first option was to jump out of the window. I even pictured this scenario in my head but it didn’t seem to work. In my mind I saw a crowd gathered near me as I jumped, but in the end I remained alive because the height from the window to the ground was just too low.

My last option was handicap, but with that the meaningless life still goes on, except that now it becomes even more unbearable, and there is a lot more ongoing suffering to go around.

I thought some more and came up with another solution, a solution that a lot of people out there do these days, and that was to cut my veins. It seemed like a very good choice, but the thing is that it still involves the unwanted suffering. You cut yourself, bring yourself pain, and understanding that very soon it will all be over, wait for all the blood to run out of your body and take your life. Then at the last minute you change your mind and call the ambulance; someone will come to your rescue and stitch you all up, make you all better. No! I don’t want this kind of death. I need something that is pain-free, something that doesn’t cause me any kind of suffering. The best way to do this is to just overdose on pills.

Okay, I’ve found a solution. I just need to overdose on some pills. I will peacefully fall asleep, never opening my eyes, never seeing the light or the injustice that surrounds me.

In a hurry, the girl set out to get her plan into action. She paced back and forth inside her apartment in search of a medical directory. It is there she wanted to find the answer on which pills were best to take. Unfortunately, no directory was ever found.

Since that didn’t work, Masha started to take out all the pills she had in the house. There were many of them lying around. Amongst them were those for stomach problems and those for headaches. Not sure of which pills were best to take, she started to remove the wrappers from all the packages. Then taking each pill one at a time she only thought about what would happen to her after death fell upon her. She thought about how everyone would take her disappearance from this world, how they would worry and grieve… Most of all she thought about how Peter would react to all this. Feeding herself with a good dosage of pills, she decided to get comfortable in her armchair and wait for the effects of what she had done to finally kick in.

Feeling tired and empty, Masha sat down on the armchair next to the window… At that moment she felt inner peace, and for the first time in the last few days was able to look at the world around her with a sober mind. Soon I will find myself in a place very far from here, a place where my parents roam, and that will be best for all of us. This was the thought that filled her head at the moment. Masha was surprised at how resolute she sounded just then. The girl drifted back down memory lane. She thought about her childhood, her mother’s warm hands, and her dad’s voice; she thought about how she loved to watch her mom cook while her dad would read the paper. They had a small cozy house, which was filled with real warmth. Here love and peace reigned, and this was her true home. At that time her little brother Stas celebrated his first birthday. Their family seemed like a model family…

Masha could barely remember the accident that took place in the years of her youth. She only regained consciousness at the hospital. That day they decided to visit her grandmother living in the nearby city. Her father was at the wheel. Stas took dad’s attention away from the road for a mere second. That was all it took for him not to see an incoming car in front of him and cause the accident. The breaks didn’t help. Everyone in the car felt a strong push, and then everything around them went dark.

For a while Masha’s grandma didn’t tell her what happened. She thought that Masha wouldn’t be able to handle it and would die right there in the hospital bed. After a very severe surgery, Masha was able to stand on her own feet. She visited the graves of her three close loved ones every half a year and made sure that the graves were taken care of and maintained. Masha then sold her parents’ house and moved to a small cozy apartment.

These memories raced through Masha’s head like a film reel. Shaking her head, she tried to get up from the armchair so she could lie down on the couch. Suddenly her legs trembled and sent her back to the armchair. Her head started spinning and her body began to grow weak.

After all that happened to me I decided to end it because I couldn’t stand my life anymore, a life that had become meaningless. Now my goal was to find a way to do it. There were many ways to go about it, but I wanted to find one that didn’t involve any kind of suffering. I had been through a lot as it was in the last few months, and didn’t want any more suffering to fall upon me.

My first option was to jump out of the window. I even pictured this scenario in my head but it didn’t seem to work. In my mind I saw a crowd gathered near me as I jumped, but in the end I remained alive because the height from the window to the ground was just too low.

My last option was handicap, but with that the meaningless life still goes on, except that now it becomes even more unbearable, and there is a lot more ongoing suffering to go around.

I thought some more and came up with another solution, a solution that a lot of people out there do these days, and that was to cut my veins. It seemed like a very good choice, but the thing is that it still involves the unwanted suffering. You cut yourself, bring yourself pain, and understanding that very soon it will all be over, wait for all the blood to run out of your body and take your life. Then at the last minute you change your mind and call the ambulance; someone will come to your rescue and stitch you all up, make you all better. No! I don’t want this kind of death. I need something that is pain-free, something that doesn’t cause me any kind of suffering. The best way to do this is to just overdose on pills.

The thought of well that’s it passed through my head, but this didn’t scare me one bit. It actually calmed me down. I was even surprised by the apathy that entangled my conscience.

All will be well now. Soon I will fall asleep and reunite with my parents... It was getting harder and harder to think. How could you Peter? How could you act this way? I loved you so much, wanted everything to be great between us, but you had to go and ruthlessly ruin everything and put things to an end. You don’t have to worry because once I get there I will be alright, and you will be alright too. I will not disturb you any longer or bother you with my phone calls and such.

With every minute I started feeling worse and worse. Extreme nausea swept over me and I was suddenly enveloped by a strong fear - fear of death.

Patience broke like a string on a guitar. Masha couldn’t take it anymore and decided to do something that not every person would go for, and that was to end her life.

When a person loses all purpose and meaning of life –and for a young girl that actually revolves around a guy she truly loves —the worst of thoughts enter her head, and the worst of actions occur. The person doesn’t want to think about anyone, doesn’t want to do anything, and all because the person feels sorry only for herself.

In this case, Masha wasn’t the exception and fell right into this trap. She really loved Peter and tried everything possible to bring him back. She even changed for him, but all that was for nothing. The girl saw no other way out from the current situation, and didn’t want to accept all that had happened to her.

Life without love is not a real life. When you lose someone you love with all your heart, it seems that you will never be happy, that you will never love anyone else. The only solution is to end it all, to stop accepting all this unfairness, but the only way to do this is to take your life.

Five minutes passed and Masha was taken over by dreadful vomiting. Her head was still spinning, but now she started to experience a terrible headache. Everything was burning inside her, and her heart was pounding. It became hard for Masha to breathe. She didn’t know what to do, and prayed to God to relieve her from all the suffering and pain as fast as possible. The time kept on ticking but no miracle happened. She started feeling worse and worse. It seemed like she would lose consciousness any minute now. Losing track of time Masha didn’t know how much time had actually passed. She had no idea at the time that she would have to spend a full evening between life and death…

Andrew was standing at the street corner trying to hail a taxi. He was feeling a bit nervous. Olga called him five times already asking him on his whereabouts and why he still hadn’t showed. He still had flowers to buy. Andrew knew very well that Olga loved roses and wanted to get her a fresh bouquet before meeting up with her.

Being unable to hail a taxi, Andrew took out his cell phone and hailed a cab that way. The car came within 10 minutes. He stopped by the store, got Olga a bouquet of beautiful white roses, and headed for the restaurant, the one he was supposed to meet Olga at about six hours ago.

This date was not romantic. For Andrew it was more of an obligation than something he really looked forward to. The same could be said of the relationship between him and Olga. A few times a month they went out playing the role of a couple and telling each other about each other’s problems.

Suddenly his thoughts returned to Masha and what had happened in the past few days. Remembering her hollow stare and how she told him that life had come to an end, he realized that he should be with her at the moment. How is she now? I hope she won’t do anything stupid! These thoughts didn’t want to leave his head. Even the ride to the restaurant didn’t seem to take that long. The restaurant where Olga awaited him was already coming into view, its blinking lights beckoning him to enter and sit in its quiet cozy hall.

The cell phone, which lay in his pocket, started to ring… Maybe it’s Masha thought Andrew. Looking at the phone to see who was calling he noticed Olga’s glowing picture on the display letting him know that her patience was wearing thin. Glancing at the screen Andrew decided that the last thing he wanted to do right then was see Olga.

“Are you toying with me?” yelled Olga, “How long am I supposed to wait for you?”

“I am not coming,” whispered Andrew into the phone.

“Are you crazy?” asked Olga, but Andrew had already hung up the phone.

He knew that later they would make up anyway. She would get over it easily enough. Telling the cab driver to turn back, Andrew was on his way home.

Masha didn’t know how much time had actually passed. To her it seemed like a whole eternity. In reality it was only three hours. Little by little Masha started to regain consciousness, and realized that her suicide attempt was unsuccessful. This made her fill with happiness.

She was still feeling very nauseous, but she no longer vomited. Maybe there’s no more food left in my stomach thought Masha and tried to get up. Her legs were shaking but she still managed to take a few steps to get to the phone near the wall. Doing this took away any strength Masha had in her and she collapsed on the couch. Laying her head down on the pillow Masha gave out a sigh.

With every passing minute, the strength drained out of her bit by bit. She had to do something about it, but didn’t know what she could do. She didn’t feel like calling Andrew, but there was also no way she would call an ambulance. They will just take me away to the nut house thought Masha and placed the phone on the floor next to the bed.

As soon as Andrew got home, he filled the tub with water, slipped in, and relaxed… Thoughts of Masha and her well being still didn’t leave his mind. Almost an entire day had passed but she still hadn’t called him. With each passing minute his worry for the girl became stronger and stronger, and even the warm water didn’t help to relax him. Just thinking about what Masha could have done to herself left him terrified. I have to be by her side now thought Andrew and went to his room to change.

“Where are you going son?” asked his mom.

“I am going for a walk with Masha,” lied Andrew without looking at his mom and hurried into his room. Quickly getting dressed, Andrew flew out of his apartment like a speeding bullet and set out to get to Masha. His growing worry and thoughts of something bad happening to her roamed inside him.

Getting to the needed floor of such a familiar building Andrew stopped in his tracks. Confusion filled his mind as he noticed that the door to Masha’s apartment was open. Thinking the worst of thoughts, he pushed the door and it opened with ease. Darkness filled the apartment. Walking inside Andrew started calling out to Masha but there was no answer. Checking every room, he noticed Masha in her bedroom lying still and devoid of any feelings. Her face was pale like that of a dead man. On the coffee table Andrew noticed a load of different pills mixed into a big pile.

Understanding what was going on, he tried to get a reaction from Masha by lightly slapping her face, but Masha gave no sign of life. Checking her pulse, Andrew confirmed with happiness that she was alive. He went to the kitchen, filled a cup with ice-cold water, and splashed it on Masha’s face. The girl slowly but slightly opened her eyes. It was evident that even doing such a simple task was hard for Masha to master.

“It’s okay,” said Andrew in a soothing voice, “We’re going to wash out your stomach and you’ll feel better right away!” The whole procedure was long and unpleasant, but eventually it came to an end. What did you do, you silly girl? thought Andrew as he put Masha to bed and wrapped a blanket around her body with much care.

Lying in bed I burst into tears. It was only then that I realized what danger my life was in. Andrew was sitting next to me trying to calm me down. His face looked calm, but his eyes were filled with fear and pain. At that moment his entire being seemed so native, so close.

“You saved my life,” I said all teary-eyed.

“Stop it. Every decent guy would do the same if he were in my shoes right now,” said Andrew with worry in his voice.

Calming down Masha asked, “Hmmm… How did you guess that I needed help?”

“It was this gut feeling I had. You know, I wanted to tell you a long time ago but couldn’t bring myself to do it. For a while now you are more than just a friend to me. You…you…you are the most awesome girl on this planet and I love you!”

Being overcome with sleepiness Masha could not make out Andrew’s words. Andrew himself didn’t expect such a confession to come out of him. He looked at Masha with much hope, but she had already fallen asleep. He gently kissed Masha’s hair and thought to himself: Sleep my love. We will talk tomorrow. Andrew spent the entire night by Masha’s side not even realizing that he did. Being next to her brought him endless pleasure.

Masha had a wide smile on her face as she slept. She dreamt a fairytale dream, where she was walking through a magic meadow with her family. Her brother Stas, already grown up, was running beside her collecting flowers to make her and mom some beautiful wreaths. Her parents were walking behind, admiring their kids. Her dream was so beautiful and everything felt so good. She hadn’t felt like this in a very long time.

Morning rolled around and Masha woke up feeling awful. Her eyes were swollen from the heavy crying, her head was throbbing, her body was aching, and she didn’t want to see or hear anything. Andrew was there beside her. He spent the entire night at Masha’s side, admiring her and guarding her as she slept. The young man brought her breakfast and tried to force her to eat, but she refused to put any food into her body because the mere sight of it made her feel even worse. He tried to put some sense into her, explaining that doing this would not get her anywhere, and that she had already made so many mistakes.

You have to start life over, like a new page in a book, and stop thinking about bad things, about the past. Masha didn’t want to hear anything and was angry at Andrew for the fact that he didn’t seem to understand a thing. How can a person be so silly and so persistent? Their squabble ended up turning into an argument; Masha was proving her love for Peter, while Andrew was trying to make her see that life was not over yet and that all will be well.

Andrew understood that debating with me was useless and left, slamming the door behind him. After he left, I didn’t feel any better because I started to feel guilty that I hurt the person who had no hard feelings and was just trying to help. Am I really such a bad person after all, that I cause people nothing but trouble and pain, that I tortured Peter, and that I just got into an argument with Andrew?

I was so out of it from all that had happened that my legs were shaking and my head kept throbbing. In order to get myself together, I went over to my bar and found what little alcohol was left there from my last visit. Comfortably settling into the armchair, I started drinking straight from the bottle, forgetting about everything. I started to feel better with every sip that I took. My thoughts started to vanish, and the physical and spiritual pain began to subside little by little. I sat there and kept on drinking until all the alcohol ran out."

OKay, that is all :3

Resisted Temptation!

2009-04-02T04:09:44Z

Okie, so, I started this diet on Monday. Calorie counting (keeping track in a planner) and 10,000 steps per day (walk, jog, run XD). This isn't the diet I have done in the past (Lean for Life), and I hope this one comes through because it allows for a bit more freedom. I'm fairly certain the weight I've lost so far is water-weight, but I'm willing to accept that. If nothing else, I'm eating much better and getting regular moderate exercise. I hoping I can stay on this, and I had a bit of a boost tonight. My friends had deep-dish pizza for dinner. Smelled so good, and they were all eating some. I successfully stayed away from eating any of the pizza, although I don't consider that the victory.

Usually when other people are eating something, I get jealous and want some too, or it just smells so good and I really want some. At one point during the conversation (when they were all still eating) I realized that I stopped caring that I wasn't eating pizza. I have a goal in mind, and I wouldn't let the lack of pizza make me feel down.

:D Yay.

...ah shit, now I have to go back to working on homework XD

EDIT: Ahah! I had something else I wanted to write but completely forgot. I think I put my friends in a somewhat awkward position completely by accident. Since the pizza was right after archery, the people who were going to the pizza thing came and chilled in my room before food got here. On my cork board there is a postcard that says "I <3 Vaginas" I know they saw it, because it is big, obvious, and they were talking about other things they saw on the cork board. The postcard is actually a flyer for the Vagina Monologues XD Oh dear... that's what happens when people visit unexpectedly. No time to hide the potentially awkward stuff.

Thoughts on the F-22 crash

2009-03-26T06:42:03Z

So I'm sure most, if not all, of you have heard about the F-22 that crashed outside of Edwards AFB today. Turns out I knew the pilot. His name was David Cooley, and he was a pretty awesome dude (from what I remember). I knew him a lot better when I was a kid. Our family's house at Edwards was back-to-back with his, and my brother and I would climb over the wall to play with his two sons. After we moved away from Edwards, we wouldn't hear much about them. That is how life on an Air Force Base is. People come, people go, and sometimes you get updates. Their family managed to stay in the AV, and we would occasionally run into them at the soccer field, doing the referee thing.

He was always nice and supportive, and I appreciated that as a kid. Even after I went to college, dad would mention him or his sons once or twice a year. (My parents knew him better. I think when my dad called soon after the crash, he already knew who the pilot was. His voice was breaking a bit on the phone... maybe he didn't know exactly who, he just told us right now that he knows everyone who flies a Raptor (F-22) if they weren't his student at the test pilot school, they are his friend.)

I was never super close to Mr. Cooley, but it is still really strange to know that it was him in that crash. Before posting here and on facebook, I had to keep double checking, to make sure it was still his name. Even my dad told me, and I'm still in a bit of shock about it.

People go into these jobs knowing the risk (even if it is very very slight), and knowing how to minimize risk, but it can't be entirely eliminated. I don't blame him for dying. I respect him for continuing to do his job even though he knew things could happen.

A lot of the comments I've seen on the crash have been people bitching about the cost of the airplane. I think they need to shut the fuck up, and realize that his sacrifice may have saved other pilots from making similar mistakes, and everything is being done to learn what exactly caused the accident. That is the reason these aircraft are tested. My dad was telling me about the particular test he was doing, and one of the reasons it was so high-risk was because a lack of funding had them go through the risky testing much faster than they would've liked to.

I don't know what I'm trying to get across here. Just expressing my thoughts on the subject. RIP David Cooley. You were a pretty awesome dude :)

Meaningless post is meaningless, don't read into too much XD

2009-03-15T09:31:48Z

I feel so conflicted right now XD I'm listening to the Prince of Egypt soundtrack (I watched the movie last weekend on YouTube... finally eh a_farrier ? XD) and I think it is fantastic, but there are so many things that get on my nerves.

As amazing as the story is, I feel like it could be so much better. The story makes Moses look like a tool, and he is! Everything he does is dictated by the hebrew god. I like the story of a person being enlightened, I just wish that he didn't have to be told to be enlightened.

The pharaoh kills jew babies, and thus he loses his babies. That I get (in a sick child-killing eye-for-an-eye sort of way), but what really fucking throws me is that after this slaughter of innocents by the hebrew god, the slaves start singing about how miracles happen when they believe. I'm coming off of the dramatic scene of tragic death, and I get the impression that the jews are like, "WOO DEAD BABIES!!".

I think Moses would've been amazingly badass if he lead the hebrews in a violent uprising. Judging by the numbers in the movie, the slaves outnumbered the egyptians like, 100-to-1. If they all stopped working at once and just left, they could probably raid the armories (they've got to know where they are, there are so many slaves) to defend themselves and take the weapons from their enemies.

I do like the focus on the twisted brother relationship, and I like how the egyptian gods exist too.

PS: I have a lab report due monday night, a presentation monday afternoon, and a midterm monday morning :D

EDIT: RAMESES NEEDS MORE THAN HALF A SONG PLZKTHX

Dalai Lama!

2009-03-11T05:21:48Z

:D I'm super excited right now. I got an e-mail a week or so ago mentioning that the Dalai Lama would be visiting and speaking at Berkeley! Ticket sales start tomorrow, and I'm seriously considering skipping my (one) class so I can go line up and make sure I get one ^___^

I also got a midterm back today :D I felt pretty good going into the test, bleh coming out, and very happy today ^__^ on the curve, I was one point short of an A, but then we found an error in his grading, so I got two extra points! YAY I got an A on a midterm. It feels even better because I love that class, and it doesn't happen very often that I really enjoy a class here.

In other news, I think some of the people in my groups (for two of my three group project classes) don't like me very much.

For one of the groups, we had a group presentation Monday night and we separated who would make which part of the powerpoint. I make my one slide covered in pictures (sketches of how our design for the class has progressed from pt A to pt B) that I was going to talk about and send it to the guy putting it together. The next day he sends out a copy of the .ppt, and I found out that 90% of my pictures were GONE. GONE I say. He put in some pictures that I think look terrible and were unnecessary (even though if they were added on as an additional slide, I would've been fine with it), and broke it into two slides and retitled them. Needless to say I was PISSED, because I had planned out in my head what I was going to say about each set of pictures in that slide. Before class started, I asked him politely not to change most of what I send when doing a group powerpoint. He offered to let me fix the powerpoint, so I got to use the pictures I wanted for the actual presentation. it turned out okay, but one of the reasons I think they hate me, is because I'm always the first person in class, and yet none of them ever sit anywhere near me :/

I feel bad though... I don't think I give them enough time to talk when we do brainstorming, or I scare them off. I feel like I've written off most of their ideas as stupid and structurally unsound (in my head), and I'm trying not to say it so explicitly. The problem is, they do have good ideas, but they're few and far between. It means I have to have patience through the bad ideas before we get to any good ones.

The other group that I think hates me, probably hates me because I'm incompetent and retarded compared to them >__< they're all so damn smart, and pick up things so quick, and do a bunch of additional research so they really know what is going on, while I'm barely holding on.

Fun fact: the first group is a bunch of IEOR Juniors (Industrial Engineering and Operations Research), while the first group is a bunch of ME Seniors (Mechanical Engineering, like me!).